I heard something that I had never before heard the other day, a man at a meeting made the comment, “Guilt is what you feel as it relates to other people, shame is what you feel for yourself.”
As an addict, we carry around a whole lot of both. The madness & insanity that takes hold of us while in the grip of our addictions cause us to do a tremendous amount of harm to anybody and everybody that has the misfortune of being a part of our lives.
Unfortunately, we typically run off any person with any amount of sense and no real reason to stick by us, and the people that are left to try to deal with us are our families and our closest loved ones.
But we hurt them just the same. We lie to them. We steal from them. We manipulate by any means necessary if it helps us continue using.
The whole time we are doing so we are accumulating guilt and shame to such a degree that it is truly crippling. We lie in bed at night and cry from the misery we feel over hurting somebody close to us. But the following morning, when the time has come to get our fix, such feelings have vanished.
We are ready to do it all again. By any means necessary.
Today is my 70th day clean. Sometimes the past 70 days feels like an eternity, others I am reminded of how short a time period it truly is.
One of the most difficult things I have had to cope with these past two months or so has been the overwhelming sense of guilt and shame I am feeling.
I would be lying if I tried to say that my childhood was anything short of spectacular. I have two loving parents who gave me everything I needed, everything I wanted. Though I didn’t realize it growing up, they provided me with a picture perfect example of what a happy, healthy, & genuine relationship looks like.
I graduated with a B.S. in Electrical & Computer Engineering at Ohio State University with absolutely no debt, thanks to generous contributions to a college fund each year from my grandparents and also to my parents for covering the rest.
Instead of using all of these wonderful gifts I have been given, instead of capitalizing on the enormously advantageous position in life that was given to me, I fell deeper and deeper into my addiction. In the process of digging my way down, I inflicted tremendous pain on the people who love me the most.
I have stolen from my family. I have stolen from my friends. I have broken the trust I took for granted my entire life up to this point.
Now, at 28 years old, I have just returned to my hometown and to the home of my childhood a broken man and shadow of the man I was poised to become. My car was repossessed, the possessions that I didn’t sell for money to get high were stolen from me, I am in legal trouble.
I look around the neighborhood and see the people that I grew up with as they stop by to visit their parents; They have nice cars, they are taking care of children of their own, they are busy with good jobs and good lives.
But here I am.
It is difficult no to to dwell on these things, but I know that I am now on the right path. If I am successful in learning how to apply the tools I have learned in recovery to my daily life I know that I will regain everything that I have lost. If I put the work in trust will be earned once again.
I know that everything will fall into place if I can just stick to my program.
It is easy to look at the horrible mess you have created for yourself and your loved ones and to just say, ‘fuck it.’ It is easy to continue down the path of substance abuse that will ultimately lead to your death, but there is another option.
You can learn to live without drugs. You can get your life back. You are not alone in feeling the guilt and shame caused by your addiction. Give yourself permission to release those anxieties, worries, and fears and allow yourself to heal.
In time you will be very glad you did.
G.M.C., 1.28.2020, Day 70
Daily Recovery 