In recovery, fellowship is the single most important concept and the most essential tool for remaining sober. Building a network of fellow addicts in recovery allows you to tap into a treasure chest of opportunity; It is extremely common for employment opportunities to arise out of relationships built within your recovery network, genuine, healthy friendships develop and provide you with not only company and entertainment, but also and most importantly the essential support that you most certainly will require frequently throughout your recovery. There is a very good reason why fellowship, and the sponsor/sponsee relationship, is central to 12-step programs.
All of this brings me to a topic that I am currently struggling with, and that is the task of seeking out and asking someone to be your sponsor. For somebody like me who is somewhat reserved in group settings, it can easily be an intimidating prospect to ask someone to be your sponsor. Not only that, it is difficult to get to know somebody well enough to even know whether or not you would want them to act as your sponsor. Hearing somebody share for five minutes an evening during an hour-long meeting hardly gives you any real insight into them as a person, let alone whether they would be a good match for you.
So what do we do? How do we go about this first crucial task of our recovery?
What exactly does a sponsor do?
For starters, I think it is important that we clarify what a sponsor is, as well as what a sponsor isn’t. The duties of a sponsor are to act as a mentor and spiritual guide, if you will, as you work through the steps. In meetings, I often hear stories of people who call their sponsor thirty times a day each time something stressful happens or they are experiencing some type of trigger or craving. Your sponsor isn’t a therapist; They aren’t there to hold your hand through every little challenge you face throughout your day. As I said earlier, the role of your sponsor is to assist you and guide you as you work the steps and to provide assistance in strengthening your specific program.
Please don’t get me wrong though, if you are having a moment of difficulty in your recovery, you should absolutely call your sponsor to let out steam and ask for help and guidance in dealing with the situation. They are there to help you in any way they can, but just remember that their primary role is to guide and mentor you as you work the steps of your program.
Don’t put an unreasonable expectation on them to be your personal therapist who should be ready to pick up the phone at any moment to help you get through some minor personal crises. If you want a therapist, in fact if you are in recovery you probably should have a therapist (something I will address in a later post), make an appointment with a licensed professional and do it the right way.
For therapy, go to your therapist. For advice, guidance, and wisdom as it relates to your program as you progress through your steps, talk to your sponsor.
Picking a Sponsor
Picking the right person to act as your sponsor is important. Your personalities should mesh productively together. Please note that I used the word productively, not necessarily ‘nicely.’ Depending on what you want out of your sponsor, you may not want somebody who is afraid to give their true and honest opinion regarding a decision you are making in your recovery. As somebody put it last night in a meeting, you don’t necessarily want somebody who is going to, ‘cosign on your bullshit.’ Choose somebody that is going to nudge you in the right direction and constructively encourage you during your recovery and who provides guidance, clarification, and insights into the steps you are working, but not somebody who is going to stand by and simply watch you make poor decisions that may lead to a relapse.
You want somebody who has worked, and is working, the steps themselves. If a sponsor is supposed to be somebody who provides guidance while you work your steps, they better have worked the steps themselves at some point and they certainly should still be actively doing so.
They don’t necessarily have to have a ton of clean time either. They should have at least a little while, say a year or so (don’t hold me to that though), but they don’t need to have multiple years or decades of experience in recovery to impart any wisdom they have gained during their own recovery. Recovery is an incredibly difficult process, and anybody with any amount of experience with it at all probably has some wisdom that they have earned through experience that may be useful to somebody else.
They don’t have to be significantly older than you. They can be your age or even younger. All that matters is that they have the ability to impart wisdom that they have earned in their recovery and assist you while you work your steps and better your life.
Changing sponsors
At some point after you have found your first sponsor, you may decide that you need to find another one. This is okay. You are not bound to any one person. If you feel that you have outgrown your current arrangement and would like to find someone else, do it. If you are having problems with your sponsor, don’t get along, or simply don’t like him or her, dump them and get a new one. If a sponsor gives you a hard time for wanting to find somebody else for any reason at all, you should probably consider that as evidence in and of itself that you need a new sponsor.
I am open to suggestions….
As I mentioned already, I am currently looking for my first sponsor myself. I am merely sharing with you the knowledge that I have already gained through meetings and conversations with people in recovery. I am by no means an expert on the topic, and seeing as how I don’t even have a sponsor yet myself, I might not even be qualified to discuss it.
If you have any words of wisdom for me, it would be much appreciated. You can find my email address and phone number I use for this blog on my Contact page. Please, reach out. I would love to hear what you have to say. Or leave a comment below.
Nonetheless, I hope this helps you in your search for your sponsor or at least helps you understand what it is you should be looking for.
Much love to you all.
G.M.C., 1.31.2020, Day 73
(Picture at top located @ https://pin.it/zq63bn7h2chxf7)
Daily Recovery 