Several times over the past few weeks I have noticed myself slip into a mindset that has become foreign to me in recent years; I have had moments in which I become aware that I am feeling pure, unfiltered happiness. I have smiled and laughed more in recent weeks than I have in the past five years combined. Something is working for me, and I am certain that I know what it is: recovery.
On the 18th of February, 2021, I will have 15 months clean. In that time I have gone through the full spectrum of emotions as I learn to navigate life on life terms and how to deal with my feelings without using drugs. When I first went into treatment for opiate addiction, I had become a person that I no longer recognized on any level. As certain twelve-step literature will put it, I was physically, emotionally, and spritually bankrupt. I had been crawling around my bottom for months or more by that point in time and the pain had gotten so great that something had to give.
So it comes as surprise that my life could be so drastically changed in such a relatively short period of time. I don’t have everything back together yet; I still don’t drive because I have some hoops to jump through before I can get a car and license back. I am still staying with my parents in the bedroom that I grew up sleeping in. As an adult approaching thirty years old, these things can be difficult for my ego to accept.
Yet I think back to that disgustingly dirty living room littered with used drug paraphernalia and trash in all corners in the room because I couldn’t pay to have it picked up. I think of the two space heaters I ran at all times in the winter because I couldn’t afford to make the back payments on my gas bill. I remember the hours spent laying on the couch, sick to my stomach and in the grips of acute withdrawal, while I waited for the dope boy to make his delivery.
It is in remembering these moments that I realize how far I have come. I have been working at the same job for over a year now and in that time with the company I feel that I have earned a lot of respect and trust. I show up every day and I give them an honest day’s work. I actually care about the company and the quality of the work that I do for them. In August of last year I began a graduate program at the University of Cincinnati and I am pursuing a masters degree. I have even entered a new romantic relationship in which both of us are centered in our recovery; Thus far it has been the most beautiful and genuine relationship I have ever had in my life, to say nothing of her striking physical beauty.
The glue that holds my new life together, though, is the strong foundation of recovery that I have been slowly building up since the day I entered the treatment facility. Without my daily meeting attendance or the work I do with my sponsor, none of these gifts of recovery would be possible. Sometimes it feels like I am on such a good path now that it seems like I could perhaps stop going to so many meetings and spend more time working on my job, schoolwork, or on my relationship, but I am very grateful to say that I am not confused about what allows these things to exist in my life.
I sit my ass in a seat, be it in person or virtually (due to Covid) every single night so that I can get my daily medicine of recovery. I listen to what people share and I share my experience with other addicts who may be struggling. I got a sponsor and I call him regularly; We work the steps together, but more often than not I call him to simply check in and talk. I have taken the suggestions that were given to me and they have kept me clean as a result.
It is in meetings that I have learned about these spiritual principles that I try my very best to govern my actions throughout the course of the day. I have learned to be fearlessly honest about my recovery. I have learned to be open-minded and willing to put myself in new situations that will allow me to grow.
For the first 90 days or more of attending meetings, I didn’t say a word. I just took it all in because that is all I was capable of doing at the time. I couldn’t look people in the eye or hold a conversation, so I did all that I could do; I showed up each night.
Somewhere along the way I began to make friends. I found a sponsor and I call him often. Slowly, the hours clean turned to days, the days turned to weeks, the weeks to months, and the months into a year. I remember this time last year I had right around 90 days clean and I had hit a meeting every single night since I got out of treatment. Somehow the fellowship was working on me, whether I wanted to or not. All I had to do was show up each and every day and stay clean. The rest has started to fall into place.
If you are in early recovery and struggling just to make it through each new day, all I can tell you is to keep coming. Keep going to meetings and let it work its magic on you. This isn’t complicated… it certainly isn’t easy, but it is not complicated. Do something for your recovery every day and do your best to let new people into your life. Each day clean is a successful day and the reward for a growing string of successful days is getting your life back together. As addicts, we spent a long time destroying our lives. As addicts in recovery, we get that life back little by little each day we stay clean. We learn as we go and we start to make progress, just for today.
Daily Recovery 