Coming To Believe—Its Not About Religion
There are so many resources about the science of addiction written by people much smarter and more educated than me— there are academic papers, books, documentaries, and more that are all based on hard data collected over decades of research. As someone who takes pride in living my life using logic and reason, it became somewhat of a sticking point for me to believe that the disease of addiction is spiritual in nature.
Yet, even in the best times of my life, I have always felt a restlessness that led me to experiment with various substances in the first place. I was looking outside myself for comfort through relationships, success, and most destructively, drugs. This mindset led me to state of obsession and compulsion that kept me coming back to these things that made me feel better; Sex, money, drugs, etc. temporarily filled a void inside of me that could never actually be filled. One potentially overused, but accurate, description of this is saying that I was trying to fill a God-sized hole with anything I possibly could… except for God.
If you are anything like me, the word God freaks me out. It freaked me out when I first came into recovery and truthfully it still freaks me out now. I hear the word God and I think of organized religion—I think about churches, crusades, pro-life protests, and all kinds of thoughts that all evoke a relatively strong negative reaction within me.
It came as a relief to me that the ‘God’ that is referred to in 12-step literature is the God of your understanding. It is a deeply personal matter and is totally unique to each addict. It is not the God of the Bible (unless you want it to be), it is not Allah (unless you want it to be)—it is merely a higher power that is caring, loving, and more powerful than the disease of addiction.
Coming to believe does not mean that you have to become a religious person—you just have to develop a concept of a higher power on which you can draw from. Some people find their higher power in meetings, as the power that exists when recovering addicts get together is something that I have found undeniable. Some of us find recovery after a run-in with law enforcement, in which case a P.O. or a judge can certainly be classified as a power greater than yourself.
I have found a sense of spirituality through a combination of working the steps, learning to meditate, and by attempting to live the spiritual principles that are taught in the program. I have learned to be honest in my interactions with other people, to practice kindness to others, but most importantly to be kind to myself.
Look for the signs —They are all around you.
When I was getting clean and going through withdrawals, I did not think that I could do it. While sitting in the detox portion of the treatment facility, I promised myself that if I could make it through the 30-day program, just to prove that I could quit, I would go back out and use again. I couldn’t cope with the idea that I would never get high again, so I promised myself that after a short period of abstinence, I would return to using.
I hear stories of people making friends in rehab, starting romances, or taking the time to make some grand choice about their lives—that was not the case for me. I sat by myself at lunch, angry at myself and the world for letting things get so bad. I hardly spoke to anyone and did just enough to get by with the counselors. When the time came for me to graduate the program, I wouldn’t have expected what was about to happen next. Somewhere in the 30 day program I had subconsciously changed and I wasn’t even aware of it. I didn’t want to continue living life the way I had been living and I wanted to get better. I sensed that I was coming to a crossroads in my recovery the moment that I left the treatment facility. I was either going to make an effort at recovery or I was going to die.
I left the facility and went to a meeting that same night. I didn’t even particularly enjoy the meeting—I sat silently by myself and I didn’t know how to act in a room full of people. I had spent so long isolated by myself that I no longer felt comfortable in a crowd of what seemed to be happy, normal people (despite the fact that it was a room full of recovering addicts). Yet somehow, when day two post treatment came around, I went to another meeting. I started to enjoy the meetings, still silently, just listening and taking it in, but I kept coming back.
Over time I made friends. A year and some months into recovery I have started a new romantic relationship with a girl that was first a friend who I attended a lot of meetings with. I have a sponsor with whom I speak regularly. I have a whole network of people that I talk to about just about everything going on in my life.
My point in all of this is that every one of these things are signs of a loving higher power working in my life. I didn’t think that Narcotic’s Anonymous would work for me. I didn’t think that a 12-step program would help me. I didn’t think that I would even make it through treatment. Yet I have stayed in recovery and continued to grow. Each day I spend clean I realize that my higher power is guiding me through all of this.
Give yourself a break and give recovery a chance.
Daily Recovery 